How I'm feeling this Friday...

Blessed.

Yes, I said blessed.  Are you surprised given my last post?  Oh ye of little faith...do you think so poorly of me?

Well, according to my father,  I should keep those feelings to myself.   My mom thinks I should be more positive with my thoughts.  My sister thinks I over-reacted to the Clover Lane post...I agree, with most of it.

{gasp!!!}

But here's the thing...in my world there is very little room for fake.  It might make people uncomfortable to read a post in which I ballyhoo...but it's real.  It's what I'm feeling, and I need to express it.

Life isn't always pretty.  It isn't always full of rainbows and glitter.  People have unpleasant thoughts all the time...don't they?...I mean, I cannot be the only one.  I know I'm not.  Here's the beauty, I think, in sharing these moments...it means we're human.  It means we're not perfect.  It means we're not alone.  Blog land is full of bloggers who only post the beautiful pictures of their homes, their kids, their marriages...it's a facade.  Real life isn't perfect.  Where the real beauty lies {again, in my opinion} is in seeing things as they are...the whole truth...the ugly, the beautiful, the not quite perfect, whatever...and appreciating it as life.  Growing through it...working through it...making the best of it.  I think more people can relate to that than the glitter and rainbows.

So, I'm feeling blessed.  My life is real.  I'm ok with that.  I can look at my problems, I can even feel sorry for myself, and I can still recognize how blessed my life truly is... in spite of all the things that I wish were different.

And, I'm proud of myself for that...

Have a super weekend!  Thanks for stopping by!  I'm off to scrub toilets :)...

proceed with caution... {just a bit of bellyachin'}

Busy weekend.

Thursday night Homecoming parade.  Friday night Homecoming game...we won...go cards!  Saturday morning Third grade football...we lost...but not by much.  Saturday afternoon cub scout family camp out...one word...brrrr!...but fun anyway!

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend.  Work tomorrow.  Loads of laundry.  Need to grocery shop.

My life.

This feeling of constant running...not enough time to finish what needs to get done...this is what has me questioning, wondering...soul searching.

I don't even know how to express myself.  My thoughts are swirling around in my brain...I don't want to complain but...well, I am.

I love my job.  I really do.  I love to visit with people, I love to care for people.  I love my boss.  I'm so blessed to work for a man who understands the demands that working mothers deal with.  If my kids are sick, if the weather is bad, if the kids have programs or field trips...no problem...I can take the time.  I know that is rare...I appreciate it, I do.

But.

If I think back...way back...what I've always wanted to be is a Mom.  It's where my passion is...caring for my family...organizing our lives...creating a home for them.  And, I cannot do it all.  Even with Fridays off.  I know...how ridiculous...I have a three day weekend and it's not enough.  Do you detect my sarcasm?  While I recognize how blessed I am, caring for a family is a full-time job...at least at the level that I would like to do it.  Having a home life that is scattered, hairy, stressful...it is not what I aspire to.  To be the Mother and wife I want to be takes work...it could be my full-time job.  So, a few Fridays ago, after dropping the boys at school, Eden and I came home to clean bathrooms and do some laundry.  I also stripped the boys sheets and put on fresh ones.  That is the extent of what I got done on Friday.  I still had to finish laundry, clean the rest of the house, pay bills, meal plan,  grocery shop...

Our entire weekends are chewed up with work...that is if  I care for our lives to run smoothly the rest of the week.  If I want to provide the kind of home life that I want for my children and husband...which I do.  And then when our schedule is like this past weekend, forget it, none of it gets done.  So it's all work or all "play"...why can't I ever get it all done?

So for weeks I've been in this funk of sorts.  Mad at myself for not being able to do it all, but at the same time telling myself I'm crazy to think I could.  Then the guilt...that I'm not being a good enough, reliable enough employee.  That I'm so stressed from running that I don't have the patience I should with my children or the time for my husband.  Ugh...this could go on and on...

Then I read this post from Clover Lane and it got my undies in a big bunch!  I had been forewarned by my BFF so I wasn't completely caught off guard but it just...I don't know...rubbed me wrong.  I work so hard to do the best job as a mother in spite of having to work outside of the home.  I want so badly to be home.  Then I'm feeling so judged by someone who is lucky enough to be able to stay at home.  I know that Sarah from Clover Lane probably wasn't directing her statements towards moms like me, but...it still stung.

Every family is different.  Every situation is different.  I have it a lot better than a lot of other working Moms...some have it better than me.  Some stay at homes waste their opportunity...some do it just the way I wish I could, then judge me.  Whatever.

I've decided to view my situation as blessed.  I'm lucky to have a wonderful boss, and a career caring for some really wonderful patients.  I'm lucky to be able to work part-timish and that I have parents to help me with child-care.  I'm lucky to have a hands-on husband who helps out quite a bit.  I'm lucky to have children who are sweet and beautiful, kind and smart, who can read between the crazy {I hope} and know how much their mother loves them...always.

My big, blank wall in the kitchen...

      ...isn't blank anymore thanks to an impromptu trip to the Brass Armadillo with Sarah this summer!  {ah, good times....miss you Sarah!}

It still needs a little tweaking {some hooks added to the bottom of the shelf} but it's definitely an improvement to the big, blank wall!

I also got my wall pockets hung...finally...and "operation after- school -paper- overload" is in full force!  The system seems to be kid friendly....and {more importantly} boy friendly...thank goodness!

So, some progress is still happening, which is encouraging considering how I've been feeling lately...

Seven years ago today we lost my father-in-law in a terrible accident.

For the years that I was lucky enough to know him I rarely saw him without a smile on his face.  He was someone who I always enjoyed being around.  He enjoyed spending time with his family...he was in fact the glue that held us all together.  And once grand kids came along, well,  he couldn't get enough of them.  He was best at being Papa.  It was rare for him not to stop by once a week, if not more.  He was a definite regular in our lives.

Seven years.  It seems almost impossible to have survived this long without him.  And yet he is the reason that we can.  He wouldn't have allowed us to wallow in our sorrow...and so we don't.  We carry a piece of him always in our hearts, he's still a regular there.

In Loving Memory

Steven F. 

4-22-1953 - 9-16-2004


                                                                                                                                                               
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

Have you missed me?

woosh... 2 1/2 weeks fly by in the blink of an eye!

I'm here with a quick post of some things I've thought about, heard, experienced, and dealt with over my unscheduled, unintended, accidental 2 1/2 week hiatus...

Favorite Quote:
"Mom, I like how Eden is made."
                                              - Ty
Most Grateful For:
My Husband.  Having him gone twice a week in the evenings for a couple of hours really forces me {jk} to appreciate how much of a help he is to me when he is here.  I honestly don't know how women whose husbands work late or travel a lot do it {hats off to you, Kain and Sarah!}  I'm sure if it were my normal I'd learn to cope...and maybe even be good at it...but thank goodness we don't have to find out!

Biggest Lesson Learned:
"Don't put off to tomorrow what you could do today."
Duh.  Why don't I ever learn?  When I have extra time on a lunch hour and don't utilize it I may as well be inviting mental stress over for a big, fat cup of tea.

Ty's holey jeans + colder than normal temps in the forecast + not utilizing my extra time on Monday + Ty's fever on Tues. = no chance to shop for new jeans before Ty returns to school in colder weather so he has to look like a 5 yr. old hillbilly {i.e. mental stress}

Most Disappointed in {besides obviously myself...see above}:
ok...this is a toss up...kinda...
1. Colin's football coach.  Not his Dad.  I will hold my tongue for now and see how things go.  But, you may hear more on this subject...

2. Iowa State beat Iowa.  Boo.

What's Weighing On My Heart:
Trying to balance being the Mom and wife I want to be while working and trying to maintain an organized home-life.  That's a whole other post for another day.

Newest Obsession:
Pinterest. {ugh!  I'm addicted!}  Thanks, Alison...